When my daughter Tara was born, I couldn’t take my eyes off her for a good many days. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was like my little, personal fairy – pristine and miraculous. My whole world started revolving around her. It appeared that it would be ever so. However, a few days later, the ecstasy wore off and the real life kicked in – sleep deprivation, breastfeeding issues and, above all, lethargy. I was someone who went on a trip once in every three months. As much as I loved to spend time with my daughter, I felt like a hostage. Sometimes, I felt so guilty. I have been given the most amazing gift of motherhood, how could I be so thankless?
A few months passed by and my maternity leave was running out fast. Like any other mother, I couldn’t think of leaving my daughter. I was torn between the choices of going back to work and quitting. I lay awake at night, my mind cluttered with questions. Should I stay home and take care of my baby? Should I go back and start working? How would it affect my daughter if I go back to work? I have a chance to stay home and take care of my daughter, shouldn’t I be using it? Why can’t I take a break for two years and raise my daughter?My mind was always preoccupied with these questions. It almost haunted me every minute. I had the freedom to choose anything, but I couldn’t find the right answer. I was getting restless and irritable as these questions nagged me every minute. I often got angry and distraught.
Then the day of my rejoining came. I cannot explain how relieved and fresh I felt after going to office and meeting my colleagues. I felt so happy that I felt guilty. I went back home, picked up my daughter with an enthusiasm that I never felt in the past few months. Then I realized that, this is the mother that my child deserves. A happy mother – not a lonely, grumpy, sacrificing mother. Those first few months after Tara’s birth, I kept thinking that my daughter was my biggest achievement. I thought the best thing I could for her was to dedicate every minute of my life for her. But I realized that the best thing I could give her was to be a happy mother. My gorgeous daughter would be my biggest pride, but I needed something above and beyond to feel really happy and accomplished.
I decided to take up a few things that made me happy. I started writing and published two books. I was writing them for the past few years and could never get myself to finish it. But I pushed hard as I wanted to feel happy and accomplished for my daughter. After she turned one, in an interesting turn of events, I quit my job and decided to take up full time writing – just because I know it would make me happy. For so many years, I was trying to gather the courage to quit my job and start writing. But only after being a mother I realized how much I needed to do things I love.
My word of wisdom to all new mothers out there, do anything that make yourself happy. Motherhood is tough but you shouldn’t stretch yourself too thin. There is no written rule what a person should do about their career once they become a parent. If you think spending time with your child and taking care of him/her makes you really happy, go ahead and do it. If you think your work would make you happy, go ahead with it – even if you have to leave your child with a caregiver. Find out what makes you happy as a person and do it, even though it sounds difficult. Actively seek happiness every minute, because every child deserves a happy mother.
You can find my latest book “Magic Square” here: http://amzn.in/d/71z8pYm
Salini
Salini Vineeth 